1. The blood was computer generated. There should be refunds because of this. Class action lawsuits. A movie like this demands skin-crawlingly realistic jugular spurts of hot blood. While we’re on the topic – there could have been more jagged bone splinters tearing through flesh and the Foley artist could have gone the extra mile and come up with more than one sound for knuckles smashing skulls. The same wet, meaty thud got boring.
2. This wasn’t a serious action movie. The Expendables should have been the Unforgiven of 80’s action movies... a tough, brutal movie about killers in their twilight. It should have been meaner, grittier, and more violent than the originals that served as inspiration. Unfortunately, The Expendables didn’t really take itself seriously, and so why would audiences?
3. There are no women in the world of The Expendables, save for exactly one Madonna and one whore. Well, Mickey Rourke briefly shows up with a floozy in tow. But their romance is short-lived, because, man, the heart is the most dangerous kind of fragmentation grenade, dig? Our heroes spend most of their time getting tattooed, riding motorcycles, and sharing their inner-most feelings, like it’s a Machoholics Anonymous meeting.
4. The plastic surgery was unnerving. Seriously. Eyelids looked like they were sponsored by Samsonite and Maybelline. The movie could have been renamed The Real Houswives of the Apocalypse.
5. One “Jet Li” is short joke is one two many. He’s not a Chinese leprechaun. Actually, Jet Li is probably the most fit and naturally badass of all the featured meatballs.
6. The lead characters banter like The Golden Girls. These supposed death dealers didn’t bust each other’s balls as much as mischievously goose them.
7. There wasn’t enough Terry Crews. This guy puts the “awww, yeah,” in “awesome.” Crews’ character was bursting with berserker joy, and brought plenty of charisma and fearsomeness to an otherwise tidy table. Automatic shotgun? Check. Monogrammed straight razor? Check? At one point in the movie, Crews serves as a human mortar. He lights the movie up like his smile is full of napalm. But there’s not enough.
8. Is classic rock really the music of mercenaries? Heavy Metal, yeah. Ride of the Valkyries for old times sake? Radio silence? You’re on a mission to kill, not a tailgate party.
9. There is no blaze of glory. Our heroes don’t go out shooting. Hell, Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid die with honor, and those two guys are pretty. How do The Expendables finish off their suicide mission to defeat a dictator? (INSERT SPOILER ALERT) By hanging out at the frat house, drinking beers and giggling like schoolgirls made out of concrete and ham. They might as well have ended the movie with this:
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