Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Diagnosed Douchebags: Symptoms and Warning Signs
I think I’ve finally found the reason why I never go out. It’s not the money, it’s not the hassle of getting ready, it’s not even the baby prostitutes with fake IDs; it’s the guys. With everything I have going on during my final semester of college, going out is (surprisingly) my last priority. So on the rare occasions I do decide to go out on the town, I want to make sure it’s totally worth it. This means I’m not trying to deal with stupid bullshit all night, like straight guys who wear more sparkles on their clothing than I do. Recently, I’ve acquired “douchebag radar.” Now, to teach others how to turn on their douchebag radar, I will share several warning signs to be aware of to avoid wasting your night out on men who think they’re hotter than you.
It’s 11pm and he has his sunglasses on. Unless he’s blind, there really isn’t a good reason to have sunglasses on at night. I’m sure he doesn’t have paparazzi following him around either, so he shouldn’t be concerned about flash bulbs. You should take this as a sign that you’re about to deal with a douchebag. Don’t waste your time.
His bling, honey, is fake. Those shiny, clear, diamond-looking things in this necklace are made out of cubic zirconia. Are the CZ studs in his ears bigger than yours? Does he have on a ring, a bracelet, an “iced” out watch, huge studs, and a nasty chain – all kind of cloudy? GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. You’re in dbag territory.
Like I mentioned before, if a guy has more bling on his jeans than I do, it’s for sure sign he’s a douchebag. Seeing as though I don’t buy jeans with ANY glitter or sparkles on them, NO GUY I will ever be interested in will have anything of that nature on his pants. Glitter, to me, is the signal to walk away.
If I see a guy from afar who has more cleavage than I do, I can assume two things almost immediately; 1. He’s not interested in me because he doesn’t like women, or 2. His intelligence level is just as low as the cut in his v-neck tee. No straight man, no matter how good looking he is, should EVER buy a deep V. More cleavage than me is too much cleavage. I practically have A’s, and some men have bigger chests than I do. If they’re flaunting it, I’m not interested.
When I get a vibe that a dude spent more time getting ready to go out than I did, I become a little skeptical. Perfect eyebrows, more hair product, more bronzer… enough said. All reasons to be MORE turned off.
I know I can spot a douchebag from a mile away. I don’t even think I can contain my reaction when I see a guy who clearly thinks he’s the hottest, best looking, dude in the room. It’s like I can’t contain an outburst of laughter. To avoid an awkward situation for both parties, when I see a guy in dbag gear I’ll gladly walk the other direction in hopes of bypassing any further contact. Always be on the lookout for men in douche wear.
The 10 Coolest G.I. Joe Ninjas
It also doesn't hire ninjas, although that would be incredibly awesome, and they totally should. In the government's defense, you can't just post an ad on Craigslist asking for ninjas -- hell, if someone came up to you and said, "I'm a ninja, hire me," it's almost certain he's not a ninja, or at least not a very good one. Ninja don't advertise. Thank goodness the Joes and Cobras have managed to have more than their share of ninjas on their payroll - and here's the 10 best! 10) Black Dragon Ninja
In the Joe universe, there are Black Dragon Ninjas and Red Ninja Vipers. If I felt like making this an 11 item list, the Red Ninjas would be 11th, but far after the Black Dragons. Why? Because the Black Dragons are all about espionage, just like the real ninjas in Japan and the Red Ninjas are just foot soldiers in pajamas. Ninja skills are best used for subterfuge and assassination, not charging up at guys with laser guns.
9) Ninja Viper
Well, if you're going to start a naming system for your troops that's basically [badass adjective] Viper, Ninja Viper is a must-have. And these guys are pretty badass. They're used sparingly, not like cannon fodder, and they're studying new martial arts moves all the time to enhance their skills. Sure, turquoise is a lousy color, but they probably do some awesome work against colorblind foes.
8) Shadow Strike
How badass is this guy? He once infiltrated the elite Arashikage ninja clan just so he could fuck with it! It's like going to college just to party. His goal was to bring down the whole clan, not for any personal reason other than Cobra Commander asking him if he would. Sadly, he's only had one figure and isn't much of a name in the G.I. Joe world, possibly because he has freakishly long thighs.
7) Tiger Claw
This guy oozes the "don't fuck with me" vibe, from his tiger paw print gi to his big belt, which is essentially saying, "My dong is monstrous, and if you fuck with me or the rest of the Joes, I will beat you to death with it, then take my black dong power home to your woman, where she will be satisfied in ways you can't even imagine, even if you had read a book about nasty sex. And we'll do it in front of your wedding picture, which she will then tilt downwards so the picture of you two isn't visible."
6) T'Gin-Zu
Yeah, it's kind of silly, but I like the name. Yep, they named him after the knife that can slice a can, then slice a tomato. What that proves is beyond me, since you can slice a tomato with almost anything. A piece of paper can slice a tomato. Anyway, he's one of G.I. Joe's resident ninjas, who drives the battering ram/gun the Pile Driver. How awesome would it be to see this massive hunk of machine coming down on you and the driver is a fuckin' ninja? It's like going into battle and seeing your opponent is Dracula wielding the Sword of Omens while riding a shark with The Undertaker's face.
5) Slice
Slice has had six different versions of his figure made, and only one is not totally embarrassing. The first two were about 90% cool, with the red color scheme and the fencing mask (don't underestimate how intimidating a fencing mask can be), but with a stupid leopard print on his pants. The later versions were even worse, dropping the mask and red and making him covered in padding and with little sunglasses that look like he's going tanning. Still, he bases his martial arts on the movements of scorpions, which ups him a couple places in my rankings.
4) Vypra
Cobra, for all its internal problems, has never had an issue with hiring women. If you want to do evil, and don't mind the occasional rally where you stand at attention and listen to a man dressed as a snake yell, you can do pretty well. Vypra is employed by Cobra, but also, according to one of her filecards, is also the protector of a forge where ninja swords are made. Despite her martial arts skills, Cobra has her driving a jeep. Really.
3) Jinx
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2) Storm Shadow
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1) Snake Eyes
The US military took a big risk in hiring a ninja who doesn't talk, doesn't show his face, doesn't follow orders, often goes off on his own without telling anyone what he's doing, and has a shadowy history with dozens of now-criminals. He's still the most popular member of the team, with lips or without, and brings shadowy ninja expertise with him on every mission. But he's more than just a strong, silent master of the katana blade: as the above clip shows, he's also a breakdancer. Man, that show was weird sometimes.
On the Advice of the FBI, Cartoonist Molly Norris Disappears From View
You may have noticed that Molly Norris' comic is not in the paper this week. That's because there is no more Molly.
Molly Norris
The gifted artist is alive and well, thankfully. But on the insistence of top security specialists at the FBI, she is, as they put it, "going ghost": moving, changing her name, and essentially wiping away her identity. She will no longer be publishing cartoons in our paper or in City Arts magazine, where she has been a regular contributor. She is, in effect, being put into a witness-protection program—except, as she notes, without the government picking up the tab. It's all because of the appalling fatwa issued against her this summer, following her infamous "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day" cartoon.
Norris views the situation with her customary sense of the world's complexity, and absurdity. When FBI agents, on a recent visit, instructed her to always keep watch for anyone following her, she responded, "Well, at least it'll keep me from being so self-involved!" It was, she says, the first time the agents managed a smile. She likens the situation to cancer—it might basically be nothing, it might be urgent and serious, it might go away and never return, or it might pop up again when she least expects it.
We're hoping the religious bigots go into full and immediate remission, and we wish her the best.
1284476580 Science, Alt Galaxy shocker: laws of physics may vary throughout the universe
11 groundbreaking comics that sold for more than $70,000
This month, an original Todd McFarlane cover from Amazing Spider-Man 313 sold on eBay for $71,200. Apparently Todd wasn't aware of how much his creation was actually worth, because early on in the auction he tweeted, "sold a Spidey cover I did years ago for about $700. It's now on EBAY for over $55,000! Guess I should have asked $800."
And that's chump change compared to some other recent high-profile (and high-dollar) comic sales, including the staggering $1.5 million paid for Action Comics No. 1 in March. If you're wondering just how much comics are worth these days, here's a list of 10 that have gone for $70,000 or more (often MUCH more):
Amazing Spider-Man 313
Sale Price: $71,200 Description:Todd McFarlane was paid just $700 for this cover, which is now worth more than 100 times that. More Fun Comics # 52
Sale Price: $207,000 Description: More Fun Comics was the first comic-book series to feature solely original material rather than reprints of newspaper comic strips, and it would later go on to become DC Comics. Issue No. 52 is special because it features the first story for the Spectre. Captain America Comics # 1
Sale Price: $260,000 Description: Yup, you guessed it. This comic, published in 1941, represents the first appearance of Captain America in all of his epicness. That right hook to Hitler's face pretty much sums up what people were looking for in their comics during the time of World War II. Amazing Fantasy # 15
Sale Price: $280,000 Description: "Spider-Man debuted on the cover in August 1960, with the comic book series scheduled for cancellation, but sales proved to be one of Marvel's highest at the time and The Amazing Spider-Man was quickly launched," the Telegraph reported. Batman # 1
Sale Price: $280,000 Description: Not only is this the first issue of DC Comics' Batman, but it also contains the first appearance of both the Joker and Catwoman. Marvel Comics # 1
Sale Price: $350,000 Description:Before Timely Comics became Marvel Comics, they published Marvel Comics (confusing, right?). This first issue included the appearance of Carl Burgos' android superhero the Human Torch, and the first generally available appearance of Bill Everett's anti-hero Namor the Sub-Mariner. Detective Comics # 1
Sale Price: $405,000 Description:This was the inaugural issue of the Detective Comics series, which began in 1937 and went on to feature both Superman and Batman. It was written in the style of the "hard-boiled detective" genre, most notably featuring Slam Bradley. All-American Comics #16
Sale Price: $430,000 Description: This comic introduced the Green Lantern, and with the feature film only months away, you can expect that the owner of this book is a happy camper. Flash Comics # 1
Sale Price: $450,000 Description: "This is the finest known copy of the 1940 DC Comics first appearance of the Flash and Hawkman," said Ed Jaster, vice president of Heritage Auctions. It also saw the introductions of Shiera Sanders, the Whip and Johnny Thunder. Detective Comics No. 27
Sale Price: $1,075,500 Description: This 1939 comic has the first-ever appearance of Batman, and that large price tag makes it the second most expensive comic book out there. Action Comics No. 1
Sale Price: $1,500,000 Description: Widely considered one of the most sought-after comic books in existence, probably because it contains the very first appearance of a little-known character called Superman. And (so far) it's the most expensive comic-book sale on record. Dedicated Servers Will Come At A Price For Black Ops
Activision have just announced that they will be having dedicated servers for their upcoming Treyarch developed Cold War based First Person Shooter, Call of Duty: Black Ops, but guess what- you will have to pay for them, and they will only be there for the PC version of the game. Ding dong.
The developers have collaborated with GameServers.com to provide PC gamers of Black Ops with dedicated servers.
“We are extremely excited about this unprecedented relationship with Activision to offer dedicated servers exclusively for Black Ops,” David Aninowsky, CEO of GameServers said. “We are placing a great amount of pressure on ourselves to ensure that we exceed any and all expectations.”
GameServers is taking pre-orders, and the 18-player ranked servers are priced at £9.99 a month and the unranked servers are available for £0.66, per player. Their site, right here, promises the players will be given “instant server action,” and that too “on release day.” Not only that. Here is what the site says:
-No Setup Fees, Cancel anytime, 5-day Refund Guarantee
-Billing period does not start until servers are activated
-24 Player Max (Unranked), 18 Player Max (Ranked)
-Reserve your location by preordering your COD Black Ops server now
In an interview with IGN, Treyarch’s Josh Olin said, “If you rent a server, you will still have the ability to Kick, Ban, and Configure it the way you see fit.
“Of course Ranked servers will have some set configurations that can’t be messed with; but you will still have the power to administrate your servers as a customer of GameServers.”
Man attempting to rob bank gets convinced to take out a loan instead
A man walking into a bank demanding $2,000 didn’t get the deal he expected when he was arrested by police after being talked into applying for a loan.
But after hearing his demands, the bank’s manager suggested that Smith should just take out a loan instead. The manager told Smith that she’d go to get the paperwork for him to fill out.
Only instead, she dialed 911.
Police arrested Smith, charging him with attempted robbery, making criminal threats, and making a false bomb report since Smith didn’t actually have a bomb.
I kind of feel bad for Smith because he’s so obviously in over his head. I get not actually carrying a bomb but making a bomb threat to try to get money. But you can’t not carry a bomb AND get talked into taking out a loan. What did he think, they’d go, “Hmm, let’s check the credit of this gentleman. He seems like an upstanding fellow.” I don’t think his penchant for stupid fake bomb-related decisions would show up on his credit score, but I’d like to believe it’d be a factor in his loan approval. It’s hard to make loan payments when you’re busy wrapping a ticking clock in a towel and playing Bomberman to strategize for your criminal enterprise.
Ban hammer ready for StarCraft II cheaters
Blizzard Entertainment issued a gentle reminder to Battle.net users that cheating in StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty multiplayer is an offense worthy of swift and irrevocable justice.
In a statement entitled "Cheating in StarCraft II," the company warned players foolhardy enough to use any type of altered game client or cheat that the ban hammer is ready for action.
"Blizzard Entertainment has always taken cheating in any form in Blizzard games very seriously, and that's no different for StarCraft II," Blizzard wrote. "If a StarCraft II player is found to be cheating or using hacks or modifications in any form, then as outlined in our end user license agreement, that player can be permanently banned from the game. This means that the player will be permanently unable to log in to Battle.net to play StarCraft II with his or her account.
Playing StarCraft II legitimately means playing with an unaltered game client Doing otherwise violates our policies for Battle.net, and it goes against the spirit of fair play that all of our games are based on. We strongly recommend that you avoid using any hack."
Update: Blizzard's Shon Damron told GamePro the following in an email: "We haven’t announced any specific details about the number of accounts that have been banned. As previously noted, we take cheating in our games very seriously. Our goal is to ensure a level playing field for our players and remove all forms of cheating. We want our players to have the best game experience possible and enjoy the content without having to worry about disingenuous individuals."
The Financial Game of LIFE
From IRAs to social security to emergency funds, it can be pretty difficult to figure out what you (or your kids) should be doing with your money at each stage of life. BillShrink decided to help you out with these decisions by creating The Financial Game of Life (you remember, that awesome board game where you got to pick your house and career from a deck of cards?) Spin the wheel to move onto the different life stages and see how much your savings can grow but watch out for unexpected life events!
click below to open the game
Geekiest Coffee Table Ever
Geekiest Coffee Table You’ll See All Day
Geeky gadgets are in, right? I mean, you’ve got Atari Wall Decals and Space Invaders Packing Tape, so why not, then, have a full on NES as a coffee table? I can’t think of a good reason not to.
Images via mattcyborgelt
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