Diagnosed Douchebags: Symptoms and Warning Signs

I think I’ve finally found the reason why I never go out. It’s not the money, it’s not the hassle of getting ready, it’s not even the baby prostitutes with fake IDs; it’s the guys. With everything I have going on during my final semester of college, going out is (surprisingly) my last priority. So on the rare occasions I do decide to go out on the town, I want to make sure it’s totally worth it. This means I’m not trying to deal with stupid bullshit all night, like straight guys who wear more sparkles on their clothing than I do. Recently, I’ve acquired “douchebag radar.” Now, to teach others how to turn on their douchebag radar, I will share several warning signs to be aware of to avoid wasting your night out on men who think they’re hotter than you.

It’s 11pm and he has his sunglasses on. Unless he’s blind, there really isn’t a good reason to have sunglasses on at night. I’m sure he doesn’t have paparazzi following him around either, so he shouldn’t be concerned about flash bulbs. You should take this as a sign that you’re about to deal with a douchebag. Don’t waste your time.

His bling, honey, is fake. Those shiny, clear, diamond-looking things in this necklace are made out of cubic zirconia. Are the CZ studs in his ears bigger than yours? Does he have on a ring, a bracelet, an “iced” out watch, huge studs, and a nasty chain – all kind of cloudy? GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. You’re in dbag territory.

Like I mentioned before, if a guy has more bling on his jeans than I do, it’s for sure sign he’s a douchebag. Seeing as though I don’t buy jeans with ANY glitter or sparkles on them, NO GUY I will ever be interested in will have anything of that nature on his pants. Glitter, to me, is the signal to walk away.

If I see a guy from afar who has more cleavage than I do, I can assume two things almost immediately; 1. He’s not interested in me because he doesn’t like women, or 2. His intelligence level is just as low as the cut in his v-neck tee. No straight man, no matter how good looking he is, should EVER buy a deep V. More cleavage than me is too much cleavage. I practically have A’s, and some men have bigger chests than I do. If they’re flaunting it, I’m not interested.

When I get a vibe that a dude spent more time getting ready to go out than I did, I become a little skeptical. Perfect eyebrows, more hair product, more bronzer… enough said. All reasons to be MORE turned off.

I know I can spot a douchebag from a mile away. I don’t even think I can contain my reaction when I see a guy who clearly thinks he’s the hottest, best looking, dude in the room. It’s like I can’t contain an outburst of laughter. To avoid an awkward situation for both parties, when I see a guy in dbag gear I’ll gladly walk the other direction in hopes of bypassing any further contact. Always be on the lookout for men in douche wear.